I grew up in a Christian home. My Dad is a chaplain in a hospital and my Mom a missionary with a local church in Taiwan. I knew about God and His love, but I did not know Him in any intimate way.
I looked for intimacy instead in relationships, being able to love someone and be loved back; I found self-confidence and validation there. Having my relationship and working towards a career in design were enough for me; they provided meaning. However, ultimately the lofty expectations were too much.
In 2010, I moved to New York for a girl I thought I would marry. Seven months in, I lost my job, my grandpa, and I lost her. I have never felt so lost and heartbroken. Until then I had led a charmed life: I had a good career, a stable relationship, and freedom to live life my way.
“If you are there God, and you see to the depths of me, do you not see how much I love her?” I cried. He did not answer, and I continued chasing after the happiness I had lost. The harder I tried though, the more I felt empty.
Finally, in Jesus I found the intimacy and worth I had been seeking all my life.
As much as I wanted to focus on what I had lost, I also could not deny the love that was becoming more present in my life. Friendships began to form in a Redeemer small group I had begun attending regularly, at work, and even with my family. I saw deep joy in them, where life was not hinged on their own desires but God’s love for them, and I wanted that kind of freedom. I felt like God had brought me to a place where I was lost enough to let myself be led. He was igniting a hunger in me, and I wanted to know Him intimately, to know why He loves me so. I wanted happiness that was rooted in and dependent on Him. Finally, in Jesus I found the intimacy and worth I had been seeking all my life.
Last Christmas, I was baptized by my father. I began helping with the Redeemer Downtown Sunday School and enrolled in the Discipleship Training Course with Youth With A Mission. Chasing after God has made me realize that He had been pursuing me all along, wooing and waiting for me. This journey that we are on is about so much more than overcoming struggles and fears, it is seeing the absolute beauty of who He is and His delight for me, as I am. He calls me His son.
In moments of fear and doubt, Abba overwhelms me with His love, and teaches me how to surrender. He has also given me brothers and sisters with whom to climb this mountain. I climb today knowing that my Father is there every step of the way and ours is a journey to be savored.